It was brought to my attention (and not for the first time) on Tuesday that I have been neglecting Suzannadanna.net. This may be true.
Hell, I know it is true.
Quick update on things and then I will tell y’all a story. Or something.
Ok, so the last time we spoke, Marly had just been in a big ol’ wreck. Her finger healed and she got a new car, but before she had a chance to drive the new vehicle the pain in her shoulder and back were so bad, she also lost movement in her legs and she would fall. She almost gave herself a concussion when falling so they took her to the ER, ran a battery of tests including a spinal tap and found cancer cells in her spinal and cranial fluid.
She was immediately transferred to MD Anderson and began to fight and fight hard. She completed her chemo (Methotrexate ect.) at the end of October (the 26th) and she rang the bell as we rolled her out of there. She and her family; and her amazing boyfriend, Will; have decided to move forward with a stem cell transplant therapy. She should be done by the end of January and then my next goal for her is to get her butt in the sand with a drink in her hand. She has been fighting for so long. I know she must be exhausted, but she is still so positive and such a light.
I love that woman.
I am still working contract for a staffing company, but I have been at my current position since June (or July… whatever) and I really like it here. We just went through a huge merger and everything is on hold. I would like to go permanent. We’ll see. Also; mama needs insurance and a 401K. I rolled over my previous 401K into an IRA and was amazed at the nice chunk of cash that I have waiting for my retirement. I feel like I am wasting money not having a 401K option in place. I want benefits like whoa.
Boo is still an asshole, but he is so adorable that I want to eat him up like a macaroon. I know he is just young and I am SO NOT used to handling the kitten aspect. Max was such a well-behaved gentleman. Boo still loves to fetch and he will talk to you as if he is people. I want to snuggle the little bastard at night, but every damn time… 4 o’clock in the AM “Meow? Meow? Meow? *Commences to trying to pull pictures off the walls and succeeding in making me VERY UNPOPULAR with my next door neighbor* Meow? MEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOWWWW???!!!!”… It is not time to play. Stop being a dick, cat.
I don’t know if this is time for a story, I think I need to keep updating y’all on stuff.
Let’s talk about Kerry.
This is a doozie.
So, a few years ago (bear with me, I’ll get there) I posted something adorable and kind of sweetly disgusting on FB to Nugget’s wall. Or he posted something to mine. More than likely, I was the poster. But it was basically, “I think you’re pretty neato, and there is a celebration in my knickers, and you’re invited… Yo.” While neither of us have ever selected the “Relationship Status” bar thing and tagged one another, the people who matter, know that we are together. And they were all, “How adorable!” “Good for y’all.” And the like. Kerry pipes in, “That makes me throw up in my mouth.” Allllllrighty then.
So I asked her about it. She said she was kidding, yadda yadda yadda. I told her that I saw it as negative, and that it rather hurt my feelings. I asked her not to do that again. No big.
Cut to the first part of August. Nugget and I were out to dinner. I posted, “I gave you my bacon.” On FB. Most people understood that, as a fat girl who loves her bacon, this was akin to flowers or something highly regarded. I gave him bacon. Pretty high favor, yes? So people posted, “Wow, he must be doing something right!” And shit like that. Kerry? Posts: “Gross.”
So I tried to let it go, assuming she was kidding. The longer it sat there, the more it got under my bonnet. I am not one to bury feelings. I am too old to play games, and have drama, so I asked her if we could get together to talk. She asked me what about so, like an idiot, I went ahead and told her over text that my feelings were hurt, as she was negative on my FB feed about Nugget and I.
She has a right to her opinion. If she didn’t like me, or didn’t like him. Or… if she didn’t like us together… that’s fine. But keep the negative stuff off FB. It’s just rude.
To take it out of context, it seems trivial. But to know that she and I had discussed the negativity factor, more than once, and that I thought there was no need for that kind of thing, “If you can’t say something nice…” and all of that … it just …. It hurt my feelings.
So, I told her that it did.
She? Lost her shit and broke up with me.
Seriously, “I cannot continue our friendship right now,” She says.
I replied, “As you wish.”
Things went downhill from there. We got together the next week to try to talk it out. It…it just got ugly. I was in the wrong at least twice in that discussion. First, I raised my voice to her in her own home. I was trying to get the fact across to her that I found it absurd that I told her that my feeling s were hurt and she, in turn, broke off our friendship. And, second, I told her to her face that I thought she as a negative person. That really hurt her feelings.
I sent a happy birthday text a few weeks later and told her that I had been thinking a lot about her. She replied, “That’s good to know.” So. I guess that’s it, almost twenty-five years of friendship down the tube because I told her she hurt my feelings.
I’m sure that the issue is/was not about me, that something else is most likely going on. Or was going on. Yes, tensions were high. All of the Kerr Krew was (and still is) on high alert for Marly. But I just can’t fathom a reason for someone to be negative when it seemed that she had to go out of her way to do it.
I know I am not blameless in this situation. Maybe I am too sensitive to her negativity where Nugget is concerned. Oh well.
Speaking of Nugget:
H’okay. He and I have been together since August 27th, 2010. That is over four years. FOUR YEARS. Four years and I am still just a 12-hour a week girlfriend. So a few months back I told him that he had until January 2nd to decide if he wanted me, or to continue to live his life for his mother and sister.
I think he kind of doesn’t listen because he has not made one little sway one way or the other, in turn…I sent him this little email in November..
Cut and Pasted for your approval. Also, I am lazy.
I am thankful for you. You are an amazing man. You are sweet, kind, and thoughtful. I appreciate that you are affectionate and for the most part, a very positive person.
You are ambitious and aware. You are smart and funny. You are handsome and musical.
These are all things that I find very attractive.
Over the past few years I have let down my guard and let you into my heart. It is a frightening thing to do, as I am sure you are aware. I didn’t want to love you. But here I am.
I do still have a small stiff arm up, keeping a bit of my heart on reserve because I don’t know if you will ever really be mine. I know that when you hear me say stuff like;
“You are on point to make a decision, a big decision, and it must be made by January 2nd, 2015. You need to decide if you want to be with me or choose another route.”
You may just hear Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Wah wah wah wah wahwahahaaaaahaawaaa.” It may just be noise to you because I have not stuck to my guns in the past.
An example. Last year, December, when I asked you if you wanted to make things work. You said, yes, definitely, and then I said, “Chris, the thing I need to make this work, is one night a week, for you to stay with me (above and beyond our normal Wed/Saturday routine). Can you do that?” You replied, “Yes.” I asked you if I was asking too much. You said that I was not.
Guess who hasn’t gotten the time she has asked for? Yet again, I am accepting disrespect from you because it is easier than being without you. (Read that last sentence again. You may not see it as disrespect, but I assure you, it is.) This will not do. And it is also why I am asking you to make the decision to either be my life partner, or move on. This is your decision. And I will stick by it.
This is ridiculous, Chris.
I deserve more, and you may not be able to give it to me. Let me rephrase that. You may not want to accept that there would be changes to be made to your current lifestyle if you agreed to be a life partner. So think long and hard on what your answer is.
The other day when you told me that you wanted to, “Love you[me] as much as possible.” I wanted to scream a little, in frustration. That is a very vague answer. And to be honest it doesn’t mean a thing. Not one little thing. Time and action speak louder than this weak sauce you have been serving me for a long time.
You are finding push back in your home when I ask you to spend holidays with me. That is totally expected when you don’t have your own life. You haven’t carved one out for yourself and even with a four year relationship, and you being a grown man, we must basically tip toe around to be together, or to find time.
In what way is any of this normal?
I tried to convince myself it was ok. And it was ok. Until it wasn’t.
I may be a two time divorcee, I may be a cute fat girl, I may be a little aggressive and have a tattoo and piercings, but you chased me. Until you caught me and then you were done with growing our relationship.
I have put quite a bit of time, heart and effort into you [full name], and I don’t want you to give up on me.
I’m not asking for you to get down on one knee** or anything, but moving forward would require a big change. Living together, planning weekends and holidays with each other’s families. Sharing a budget, sharing more than just 12 inconsecutive hours a week.
I’m not kidding.
With love and affection,
**if that is something that you never want to do, let me know now, because I think that I may want to marry again, someday.
So, yeah. I do hope that he choses me over the current son-husband thing he has going on. But if he doesn’t, (which, why wouldn’t he?) then I will just move on. It will be sad, but I do deserve to have a life partner. I’m not so much all about the married thing, but having a life partner is a massive goal. One that I think is tougher than just being married.